As I sat outside basking in the sunshine, the warmth of the sun always makes me feel like I am recharging my batteries. It is also where I do most of my writing when the opportunity arises. If I'm not outside in the sun, I am usually in bed after waking up, with sleep still in my eyes. I grab my phone, head to my notes, and start creating. This is when my mind is at its calmest and most refreshed. Today, I decided to sit outside in the warmth of the sun, ready to let the creativity flow. I turned on my Bluetooth speaker and opened Pandora. Yes, I am old school and love listening to Pandora. I selected the 70s rock channel and began writing. As I was writing, the song "Simple Man" by the legendary Lynard Skynard came on.
I have listened to this song on numerous occasions, but today it resonated with me. I paid attention to it before my mother's funeral because my brother suggested it, as it reminded him of our mother and their relationship, which was somewhat challenging. My parents were only 18 when Terry was born. I am seven years younger than Terry, and despite growing up in the same household with the same parents, our lives were different.
My parents were young when Terry was born, so he was partially raised by my grandparents. I recognize that both of my parents had regrets, and I am not trying to justify their actions. After having deep conversations with both of them, I discovered that they wished they had done things differently. They were young and trying to navigate their own lives, not knowing how to be good parents as they both came from broken families. My dad had multiple siblings from both sides of his family, but he was the only child of his parents, leading him to feel incomplete. On the other hand, my mom, who was an only child herself, was raised by her mother and stepfather, never really knowing her biological father who passed away when she was young. Despite her upbringing, my mom never let it get to her; she actually enjoyed being around people.
I believe that if you were to ask Terry, he would agree that our age difference made us feel similar, as only children. I am certain that Terry would argue that I had a better life than he did, but I am unsure if that is accurate. We lived different lives, and while our parents were going through a divorce after 21 years of marriage at the beginning of my teenage years, it hit me hard. Terry, who was 20 at the time, was not as affected by it as I was.
Returning to the song I previously mentioned and discussing only children. I want to talk about how that song resonated with me personally, as I am the parent of an only child, Braxton.
I refer to my son Braxton as my one and only. I vividly recall my ultrasound appointment to discover the gender of my baby. I had a strong intuition that it would be a girl, possibly because of the close bonds I shared with the women in my life, my mom and grandma, who played a significant role in shaping me into the woman I am today, all three of us share a love for fashion and beauty so it felt natural to envision having a daughter. I always pictured her with bangs like mine and doe eyes like I had as a child. After my parents' divorce, my relationship with my dad deteriorated. It pains me to say this, but it felt like the dad I once knew had passed away. I was 13 at the time, and with Terry being older and out of the house, we didn't have much of a bond either. Therefore, it was difficult for me to imagine cultivating a deep connection with a male. Witnessing the heartache my mom went through with my brother, I was terrified of facing the same situation.
So, when they started to examine my belly, I sensed that my life was about to change. It wasn't just about finding out the gender, it was about finally fulfilling my dream of becoming a mother, something I had imagined since childhood. I adored playing with my Barbie dolls and Cabbage Patch Kids. What's even more amusing is that most of the Cabbage Patch dolls I desired were not even girls - I had two boys named Reggie and Alfonso!
Alfonso was a special gift I received for my birthday at a McDonald's party thrown by my mom in the late 80s. I remember feeling ecstatic when I received him, as I had seen him at Toys R Us before. He was a preemie in a green onesie, smelled like baby powder, and had a round little bald head. I felt like a great mom carrying him around, but when I found out I was having a boy, I felt unsure. I kept saying I didn't know anything about boys and worried about being a good mother.
I had no idea that the skills I learned during my childhood playing with cabbage patch dolls would be useful when raising my son. I believe many of my fears were influenced by my parents and Terry, as I was worried about repeating their mistakes and having regrets.
Today, when that song played, my son, now 17 years old, showed that he is thriving, well-rounded, funny, good-looking, athletic, smart, and caring. He is a perfect blend of his father and me.
He has those doe eyes, long legs like me, and definitely resembles my side of the family more than Brian's. Even though he usually dresses casually, he enjoys getting all dolled up as my grandma Josie would say. He definitely has a sense of style, especially when it comes to his hair.
As I type these words, tears are rolling down my cheeks because the outcome I had hoped for was not in line with God's plan. However, I now realize that God had a better plan for me, as my son Braxton is everything I could have wished for and more. Our bond is beyond words. Despite past experiences with my own mother and Terry's relationship, I now grasp the depth of a mother-son connection, something I had only heard about but now see for myself. As I listen to this song, I am struck by a profound realization that feels like a message from my late parents.
I finally realized the reason why I only had one child, a son. It allowed me the opportunity to correct the mistakes of the past, to provide the love and support my brother never received, and to break the cycle of dysfunction. As the lyrics suggest, I have learned to "be something you love and understand." Despite my struggles with self-doubt, I now see that the lessons I have gained from life are more valuable than any college education could offer. Although I once felt inadequate for not attending college, I am grateful for the obstacles I have faced, as they have helped me to become stronger. I now recognize that I possess a wealth of knowledge, thanks to the important lessons passed down by my family and the experiences I have encountered in my own life.
One of the most impactful experiences in my life has been my son. He has taught me the importance of self-love and understanding others. His arrival changed me forever, leading to growth and challenges. I want him to know that he can achieve anything in life, despite imperfections. I am grateful to be his mother and love him more than words can say. Remember to be kind and true to yourself, my one and only.
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Really great read! Thanks for sharing!
Your words transported me through your life. Some parts brutal and most part beautiful. What a journey 💕